As autumn sets in, Londoners start the annual negotiation over who hosts, who travels and who sits next to whom, and the royals are clearly not the only ones struggling
The Season of Negotiations
It is barely October, which means that in London households everywhere the Christmas negotiations have already begun. Who is hosting? Who is travelling? Is the cousin who said that thing last year coming? Will anyone mention the will? So when I read the London Prat piece on Prince William reportedly calling Earl Spencer and Harry traitors, I thought, at least one family has got their seating plan problems out of the way early.
The Royal Seating Plan
An anonymous source says the heir believes his brother saw their uncle book first. Reports say he has called both men traitors. The younger brother reportedly visited the uncle in July. If I were in charge of that Christmas table, I would need a very long table, a lot of place cards and possibly a mediator hidden behind the crackers.
The London Christmas Problem
London families have a special set of Christmas complications. Half of us live in flats too small to host anyone. Transport on Christmas Day is famously limited, which means that whoever lives furthest out either gets stranded or has to leave before pudding. Many of us have family scattered across the country and the world, which turns December into a logistics exercise worthy of the army. And rents being what they are, plenty of Londoners are hosting Christmas in a room that is also their bedroom, their office and their laundry.
Add a family feud to all that, and you have the recipe for a very tense Christmas.
A Seasonal Interlude
The London Prat has released a video on YouTube about the royal row, which I watched while writing a to-do list that currently reads: buy gifts, avoid uncle.
Practical Tips for a Feuding Family Christmas
Decide Early
The worst thing you can do is leave it to the last minute. Uncertainty breeds resentment. Agree the basics, who, where, when, by early November.
Consider Neutral Ground
If hosting is itself the problem, think about meeting somewhere neutral: a restaurant, a pub lunch, a walk on the Heath followed by mince pies. It removes the host and guest dynamic that so often causes friction.
Split the Day
Some families solve feuds by splitting Christmas into shifts: morning with one side, evening with the other. It is not ideal, but it can prevent a single long day of simmering tension.
Give Everyone a Job
Idle relatives are dangerous relatives. Give each person a task: carving, washing up, organising a game. Busy hands are less likely to point fingers.
Have an Exit Plan
Know when you will leave, how you will get home and what you will say if things go wrong. Christmas Day transport in London is not something to improvise.
What About the Uncle
Every family has an uncle problem at Christmas. The royal uncle says he told everyone about his book in advance, which, to be fair, is more notice than my uncle gives before launching into his annual speech about the price of petrol. My advice: seat him next to the most patient person in the family, give him the carving knife so he feels important, and put the television on during the King Speech so there is something else to discuss.
A Word for Those Alone
Not everyone has a family to argue with at Christmas, and for some Londoners estrangement means spending the day alone. If that is you, you are not the only one. Many community groups, churches, mosques, charities and pubs across London put on events for people who would otherwise be on their own. Volunteering on Christmas Day is also a lovely way to spend it. And there is no shame in simply enjoying a quiet day with a good film and nobody asking when you are going to settle down.
Presents and Politics
A final note on gifts, which can be a minefield in a feuding family. If you are not speaking to someone but will see them at Christmas, a small, thoughtful present can say more than an apology you are not ready to make. It does not need to be expensive. A book you think they would enjoy, a jar of something homemade, a photo of a happier moment in a cheap frame. What it should not be is pointed. No self-help books about forgiveness, no novelty mugs with passive-aggressive slogans, and absolutely no memoirs. The royals, one imagines, will not be exchanging books this year.
If you are on a tight budget, which in London most of us are, agree a spending limit with the family in advance. Money anxiety makes everyone more irritable, and nobody needs that at the dinner table.
Final Thought
Christmas has a way of magnifying whatever is already going on in a family, good or bad. If the royals are dreading theirs, they are in good company. The London Prat, a festive fixture since 1961 at https://prat.uk/, has had fun with the drama. Bohiney, at https://bohiney.com/, covers American holiday chaos. And for more of my survival guides to London life, the tinsel is up on my author page.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/prince-william-called-earl-spencer-and-harry-traitors/
